this time last year

Well as i was driving to work i was thinking about how everything has changed since this day last year....
day after tomorrow is the day Matthew died last year, the day my whole world got turned upside down. =( the worst day of my life... looking back it seems like yesterday. but its been a year! i feel on the verge of tears today. thinking about how my little Matt was perfect on this day last year. and how we did not have the slightest clue that he would be gone in a matter of days.
i remember that day like it was yesterday, we had went to meet Renee half way to get delayna and bob the builder (cat) . Matt didn't go to school because he loved that cat so much and missed him like crazy. Matthew was so hyper on the trip to get them, he would not stop talking. when we met Renee he refused to get out to see Sydney (Renee's daughter who is Matt's age) . Delayna told him that Sydney had a another bf and he got all mad lol .
we stopped in Thoreau on the way home at Family Dollar and got some snacks and drinks. as we were leaving the store my mom started to back up with out Matthew in the car ... she said "i cant leave my pride and joy, i don't know what id do with out him. or any of you". thinking about this breaks my heart cause not even 7 hours he would be gone :'( .
when we got into Bluewater we got bubba out of school so we could be together when we let bob out of his kennel.
when we got home we played with bob and then i made Matthew and bubba a grill cheese sandwich and ate with them. my grandpa came over and told bubba to go bring the horses in for him. Matthew went with him, because he always did . our horses are gentle and all you have to do is take a bucked of feed to the field and they will just follow you in . Matthew always had too much trust in horses. when we told him they could hurt him he would say , " but they wuvv me?!" .
my grandpa told me to go shut off the water and Matt and bubba still had not come back. when i went out there i had a feeling to go look but i just figured bubba was just taking his time as usual. so i went back inside and my om asked if i had seen them but i said no and looked out the kitchen window but still didn't see them. so i went and layed on my bed.
next thing i know i heard bubba yelling in the kitchen about Matt being half dead and something about blood and him being out in the pit.... so i threw on my shoes and took off running outside . but my grandpa stopped me and  told me he was in the living room... so i went in there and called 911 and they came and got him and threw him to UNM Hospital in Albuquerque . i drove my mom there and was there when they let him go. i kissed him as he flat lined..... it was all happening so fast and i didn't know what to do... i felt numb. i just wanted to go home.
my mom stayed in alb til they brought him back the next day. but i went home that night. my friend was supposed to meet me there but instead another friend came and stayed with til she thought i was asleep. i didn't sleep at all tho... the next morning i got up and had to show the sheriffs where he had got kicked by the horse...
its so crazy to think that all this happened . i have never actually wrote it down. (or typed in this case)

forever

i feel like its been forever since i posted a long blog...
well wednesday is my little brothers "heaven day" (the day he died) it will be one year... brittny is going with me to grants tho!!!! im excited.. its going to be hard tho.
and more on the jake break up... he basically told me that he only sees me as a friend. so his loss i guess. i do miss him tho.
and i got a gym membership. my first workout was today. basically just power walked. but its better than nohing. my legs are kinda sore tho. i think that tomorrow im not going to the gym cuz i need to go to the dupm and clean out the bed of my truck. so i have to drive to cedar hill. lol then tuesday i have a meeting with a trainer at 1. kinda nervous about that.
oh and i made a eHarmony account. i want to meet someone who has the same goals as me..

single again....

well , jake broke up with me .. friggin figures. im not sure if im mad or sad. maybe both..... o well. im used to it.

sold my car!!!!

well , i just found out this guy is going to buy my car!!! he is giving me 600 for it !!! lol yippee plus im going to go to school! and i got to see my man today!! lol today is a good day!....

would the person i was 10 years ago be proud of me today?

i just got asked the question : "would the person you were ten years ago be proud of who you are today?"
i honestly dont know... i was 11 ten years ago... im sure i would have been proud of me being on my own and supporting myself. but i have made some bad choices concerning guys and not finnishing actual highschool. but i did go to military school... so idk?
i know for a fact that the 11year old me would never have imagined i would go through what i have in the last year. from losing garnett to losing my grandma and the icing on the cake... losing my little mattmatt... =( . i would never have imagined my mom would have even had another baby, let alone get married. then almost get divorced . and even get her endowments. so much has changed in the past year, let alone the past TEN years.
thinking about how much everything has changed makes me sad. i mean not everything thats changed has been bad. somethings were good. but growing up is scary!
now im thinking of where i will be ten years from now??? married? kids? carreer? happy? miserable? if so, then why?.... all the unanswered questions in life......

ugh

im sooo tired .. hope i get to see jake tomorrow!

cars ad stuff ...

well i have to buy a new car.... yay lol not. i kinda miss mine. but to replace to freeze plugs you have to pull the engine and its just not worth it... =(  . so im selling it and getting a new one.
things with jake are going reat too. but i didnt get to see him today. =( o well i guess that it is good for us to not be together everyday. gives him time to miss me . hehe .
my moms nickname for me has always been "sister" and she called me it today for the firdt time in a long time.... its crazy how something so small can make me sooo happy. like my mom calling me sister. =)
iv kinda noticed this turning in to more of a journal than a blog. guess id  rather type than actually write anyways.....lol

Ruin things..?

I'm so happy right now I feel like something is going to go wrong... :( I really hope not. I really like jake. I hope I don't ruin it by trying not to. . . . . Goodnight

taken =)

well i guess me and brittny officially got boyfriends on the same day! =) i cant wait to see jake tomorrow!!!!! idk what we are going to do! maybe go see my Papa and Glenda. or just hang out at my house and watch movies! im almost out of gas so .. yea.
i called in to work yesterday cause durango took longer than expected, and i got in trouble. o well, i get 3 more oocurrences then im fired. iv only had one tho. i think it is dumb that they had to "talk" to me over that! i have never called in and i called like 5 hours before my shift. im just not calling in again. ever unless im dying!
but calling in yesterday was soooo worth it! i got the best boyfriend EVER! lol =)

Jake =)

So I went to durango today with jake :) I spent all day with him waiting for his grandma at the hospital. She is ok, but I really like jake :p . When we got back to aztec we went to his house and talked to his parents for a while and then came to my house. We just hung out and talked about everything! When I dropped him off he hugged me and said give me a kiss :) so I did ! It gave me butterflies! I get them now even thinkin about it. :p I asked him when I would know if I was his girlfriend and he said right now :) ..... no longer single !!!!

Jake =)

ok so now i will tell you about jake . i met him on facebook when i lived in grants. we talked alot while i lived down there. when i moved back we went to lunch and i went to his doctors office and the college with him. i really liked him. then he totally fell off the face of the earth. i was so worried about him and could not seem to get ahold of him. that is how i started to talk to lacie. and on thursday she took me to his house =) now we call eachother everyday. and we are going on a "date" monday. to durango to take his grandma to the doctors office... i kinda see a trend starting lol hehehe

my crazy party...

well as i posted before... my birthday was wednesday.. wednesday night we went to chilis and drank and then went back to my house nad got totally wasted. it was so much fun but i got way too drunk. then thursday i woke up and lacie came and got me and we went to jakes (ill clarify who he is later). i have not seen him in forever and then i went to do errands and went back over to jakes for over an hour. =) i missed him alot.  then that night we went to top deck and i drank a little. i so did not want to get as drunk as i did wednesday night. i had fun. the band signed my chest and made me go on stage and get a "birthday spanking" lol publicly. then kristain almos got raped by some lezbo chick. and freddie was choking the les trying to get her off kristian. then we went bac kto my house and drank. i got lap dances from almost everyone there.
then there was this guy who was really hot and me and sabrina were kinda silently fighting over him. he would be all over me then all over her and back and forth and so on. then we had to call the cops cause another friend went all nuts... it was a very crazy night . i didnt go to bed til 830am.... lol ill post later on who jake is =)

my last day being 20..... lol

well today is my last day being 20! lol tonight at 252am i will 21 years old! im so excited!!! i came to work today and my desk was all decorated! =) my boss put balloons on it and streamers and a happy birthday banner! it makes me happy. . . . . . =) but tomorrow im going to have dinner and drinks with a bunch of my friends and then thursday going to top deck and partying at my house after!
well i dont know what else to write as of now, i might post another blog this evening....

Today is Better.

well today has been a better day... but i had to pay the electric company 105 dollars to keep my electricity on.. that came out of my rent money. so im thinkin i might as well pay my water bill as well. then just give the landlords all my rent on thursday out of my check i get wednesday night.... hopefully they understand..
also, i was a mcdonalds the other day and was thinking, "if the ketchup says Fancy Ketchup is there a such thing as NOT fancy ketchup?!" i think i might google it, and am i blonde for asking this? or is it a logical question?!
on another note, im quite excited for my birthday! its day after tomorrow! i will be 21!

oh, these ladies i work with talk in navajo off and on all day i cant help but think that they are saying something not nice about someone! why else would they only say certain things in navajo? a language that not everyone knows... its irritating!

well i dont like being in a bad mood. =(

ok so i was having a great day, but now im just in a bad mood. i was hopingto shift trade with someone for the weekend after my birthday... but no one will . so owell, but i was really hoping to go to durango.
im having a party on thursday tho, so it better rock! my birthdays always seem to suck.. my 17th birthday my bf dumped me , my 18th i was in military school and had to do a road march , 19th was lame just had cake and ice cream, and my 20th i was moving to grants and 3 weeks later mt baby brother died. =( . so i hope ths one makes up for all the crap iv went thru. 
im really hoping my mood picks up! cuz i dont like being ticked off =(  also our main boss is in town... so no headphones tonight which means no YouTube :( today just keeps getting worse....
i was just thinking, no one probably reads my blog lol so this all os pointless beyond just venting... so why do i do this?? maybe i should get a laptop and start Vlogging.... (video blogging)...............